Nu ben ik geen dochter meer

In de voetsporen van mijn moeder

Op 10 augustus j.l is mijn bijzondere moedertje op 90-jarige leeftijd overleden. Ze heeft zich als een vlinder aan haar cocon ontworstelt. Haar immer levendige geest heeft zich van haar vermoeide, gepijnigde lichaam bevrijd.

We hebben afgelopen zaterdag afscheid van haar genomen, en haar leven gevierd. We hebben uiting gegeven aan de liefde die we voor haar voelen en zijn dankbaar voor alles wat ze ons geschonken heeft.

Ze was grootmoeder en oeromi van onze familieclan en een van de laatsten van haar generatie die nog in leven was.

Ze beschikte over wijsheid, een groot gevoel voor humor, was altijd belangstellend en niet-oordelend. Haar stem klonk tot op het laatst helder en vrolijk. Ze gaf al haar kinderen en kleinkinderen het gevoel dat zij met haar een heel bijzondere band hadden.

Ze kon overigens ook woedend zijn om onrecht en geweld, gaf om het welzijn van haar naasten en om die van de planeet, maar ze kon ook koppig zijn, ongeduldig en driftig.

Ze heeft in de loop van haar leven een heleboel innerlijke wijsheid en kennis opgedaan en had een grote spirituele belangstelling. Ze benaderde iedereen belangstellend en stelde zichzelf nooit centraal. Ze probeerde zich altijd in te leven in het standpunt van anderen. Ze heeft haar persoonlijke levenservaringen en -verhalen benut als kansen om te groeien. Ze was idealistisch, positief, optimistisch en altijd in voor iets nieuws. Cynisme was haar vreemd. Ze deed tot voor kort aan yoga en Tai Chi. Ze verslond kilometers boeken en was altijd in voor een nieuw perspectief.

In mijn jonge jaren, als puber, hippie en adolescent heb ik met haar gestreden en veel van de heilige huisjes waar zij mee was opgevoed, ingetrapt. Dat vond ze moeilijk, maar later zei ze dat ze ook daar veel van geleerd heeft. Ik heb met haar heel vaak heel hard gelachen. Zo hard, dat we in onze broek plasten. Dat was verbindend, bevrijdend en genezend. Vooral als we moesten gieren van de lach om onze eigen dwaasheden en pijn.

Nu zij, als stamoudste en verbindende, vrolijke weefster het levens-web – dat ze zelf heeft gesponnen – heeft verlaten, voel ik dat er een taak op mij rust.

Ik ben al ruim drie jaar oma van twee prachtige kleinkinderen. En niet eerder voelde ik het zo, maar de rol van stamoudste vraagt nu om aandacht. Ik ben niet langer de dochter van, maar de moeder en grootmoeder van een clan.

Gelukkig heb ik voor het vervullen van die rol een goed voorbeeld. Mijn moeder heeft me de liefde voor verhalen en mythen bijgebracht, en me gewezen op de kracht van symbolen. Ze liet me zien dat, ook al weet je dat je ouder wordt en kwetsbaarder voor ouderdomskwalen er altijd manieren zijn om jezelf te vernieuwen en een innerlijke bron aan te boren. Ook al weet je dat de dood nadert, je altijd zaden kunt planten, iets teruggeven en bijdragen, oprechte belangstelling tonen en liefde verspreiden.

De tijd is beperkt en kostbaar, ik treed nu in de voetsporen van mijn moeder. Ik zal proberen de bron van innerlijke wijsheid aan te boren en van waarde te zijn voor mijn clan.

 

(c) Mieke Bouma 16 augustus 2021

 

 

 

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  1. Zo mooi Mieke! Je moeder was een mooie bijzondere vrouw en jij ook! Dank voor het delen van je gevoelens.

  2. Mieke, je kan dit. Wat jullie als clan hebben laten zien zaterdag was geweldig lief, warm en natuurlijk. Dus jouw rol vloeit daar natuurlijk uit voort. Een clan om trots op te zijn, om lief te hebben. Mooi hoor. Liefs van Petra

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