Verbinding verbroken? Vertel een persoonlijk verhaal

In Lichtjaren heeft niemand haast (2021) van Marjolein van Heemstra (aanrader) las ik iets wat me trof. Marjolein schrijft: ‘Ik ben bang dat we zo goed worden in het benoemen van wat ons van elkaar onderscheidt dat er straks geen taal meer is om te spreken over wat ons verbindt.’

USP’s
Inderdaad zeg, wat hebben we de afgelopen decennia onder invloed van marketing- en management-theorieën – niet gefocust op onze ‘onderscheidende waarde’. Wat is jouw USP? Waarin ben jij uniek? Wat kan jij als enige? Wat voeg je toe vanuit je unieke zelf? Beslist handig bij branding en marketing, maar niet per se bevorderend voor een gevoel van saamhorigheid. En al helemaal niet in tijden van instabiliteit en onzekerheid.

Onderscheiden leidt tot scheiden, leidt tot verdelen, leidt tot verschillen, leidt tot wij-zij denken, leidt tot polariseren, leidt tot eenzaamheid en onzekerheid. En dat leidt weer tot nieuwe breuken en dat is weer koren op de molen van machthebbers, goeroes en valse profeten, die gretig inspringen op het principe van verdeel en heers en met zoetgevooisde stemmen de zogenaamde waarheid prediken. Et voilà, daar zitten we dan met de gebakken peren in onze broken communities.

Groepsidentiteit
Best logisch overigens dat mensen in tijden van crisis, onzekerheid en verandering ergens aan vast proberen te houden. Want persoonlijke onzekerheid tast het gevoel van identiteit fundamenteel aan, vooral als die nog wat wankel is. En dus wordt er niet naar een diepere persoonlijke waarheid gezocht, maar naar een sociale identiteit: Ik hoor bij deze groep, ik deel deze meningen en overtuigingen, dat geeft me een gevoel van zekerheid, kracht en superioriteit.

Op sociale media werkt dat lekker, meningen zwaar aanzetten. Ik heb een mening, dus ik besta. Mensen liken mijn mening en zo vind ik herkenning en bevestiging.

Maar groepsidentiteit verbloemt in wezen het zelfverlies, het verlies van het vinden van de waarheid ín jezelf. Het gaat er in tijden van onzekerheid om ergens bij te horen. Mensen radicaliseren omdat ze misschien wel ten diepste onzeker zijn. En die onzekerheid is niemand kwalijk te nemen. In tijden van verandering is niets meer zeker en dan juist komt het aan op overgave en verblijven in het niet-weten.

Liminal Space
In mijn boek Leren dansen met de draak schrijf ik:

“Het verblijf in niemandsland is sowieso een psychologische beproeving, want het doet ons beseffen wat van waarde is en wat niet. De doortocht, de passage doet verlangen naar vroeger tijden, maar omdat we weten dat die tijd wellicht voorgoed voorbij is, kunnen ook beelden van een nieuwe toekomst, een beloofd land, gevormd worden. In de tussentijd is het wachten, geduld en een flexibele houding aannemen het enige wat erop zit. In veel verhalen zien we dat daar nu juist de grootste beproeving ligt. Kunnen we het geduld en het vertrouwen opbrengen? Blijven we geloven in de liefde? Kunnen we werken met wat er is? Kunnen we buigzaam zijn als riet?”

Precies in die wankele tussenruimte, die liminal space, daar ontkiemen de verhalen die ons verbinden. Verhalen die niet per se stoer zijn of zekerheiden in zich dragen, maar verhalen over waar we kwetsbaar zijn, waar we troost zoeken, waar we eenzaam zijn, waar misschien wel de wanhoop huist.

Persoonlijke verhalen
Als we dit soort persoonlijke verhalen delen, dan ontdekken we dat we in de diepte allemaal verlangen naar hetzelfde: eenheid, verbondenheid, heling, vervulling, aanraking, zingeving, liefde, beetje vrolijkheid. Dan gaan onze breinen synchroniseren, openen zich onze harten en worden tegenstellingen overbrugd.

Verhalen kunnen ons ten diepste raken en dan ontstaat er beweging en komen we erachter dat we in essentie allemaal op elkaar lijken en naar hetzelfde verlangen, dat we deel uitmaken van een groter geheel en dat het gespartel, het vasthouden aan meningen, de zoektocht naar zekerheden deel uitmaken van de grote zoektocht naar het mysterie van in leven zijn.

 Joseph Campbell schrijft:
“We zijn allemaal als dieren en leven het leven dat dieren leven: we slapen, eten, reproduceren en vechten. Maar daarnaast bestaat er een andere levensorde, die dieren niet kennen, die van het ontzag voor het mysterie van in leven zijn, het mysterium tremendum et fascinans, dat de basis vormt van spiritueel bewustzijn.”

Niet de verhalen over zekerheden, maar juist de verhalen over onzekerheden verbinden. Persoonlijke en kwetsbare verhalen kunnen wellicht zorgen dat een taal ontstaat die uitdrukking geeft aan onze universaliteit en collectiviteit.

Mieke Bouma – juni 2021

Mijn boek Leren dansen met de draak verschijnt dit najaar bij Uitgeverij Balans.

 

 

Mijn Boek De kleine Campbell verschijnt dit najaar bij Uitgeverij Business Contact.

 

 

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